Actually, that’s not entirely true… I am a bit Irish as well (among a myriad other things), but that doesn’t mean I get down with St. Patty’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, St. Pat was a cool guy and all (tired of all these muthaflippin’ snakes in this muthaflippin’ country), but the holiday itself is the absolute pits. I mean, an entire holiday built around the idea of forcibly invading a person’s personal space just because they’re not wearing green? Awful and frankly a little terrifying as a child (because we all know kids do NOT mess around when it comes to inflicting bodily harm #TinyViceGripFingers). I tried a couple of different coping strategies over the years like keeping clothes I hated just so I could trot them out for one terrible day and wearing yellow and blue and smugly replying that together they made green (and wincing when the pinch came despite my spot on color theory #ArtMajorProblems)… But the method I found works best is one I’ve been perfecting my entire life- glaring at people. It’s amazing! You would be surprised what the combination of a Clint Eastwood squint and perpetual RBF can accomplish! But be careful, a little intimidation goes a long way and overuse dilutes its potency (contact your doctor and use only as directed).
Try it out! Wear whatever the hell you want to wear and when that annoying coworker or stranger gets all loud and obnoxious about how you’re not wearing green, you very calmly reply, “Snitches get stitches” and give ’em one of these:
That’ll make you popular around the water cooler! Happy scowling, everybody!